Saturday, 14 September 2013

where is the energy? i stare at my work, my reading. my exercise bike makes a wonderful coat rack. i ate well today, mindful of the workout yesterday and the one to come tomorrow. no sense in ruining it already.

i'm contemplating putting pictures up on this blog, with face? hiding face? i'm an honest person but even this is a bit much. i see this as a personal journey but i need to SEE it. i'm also a visual person. do i want to see it? that's the real question.

maybe tomorrow. measurements and pictures.

<3 Madame O

Friday, 13 September 2013

33 years old. i weigh 333 pounds.

i went to the gym today. not surprisingly i pushed too hard and now have a headache. i know when to stop, i just don't. there is an active body inside layered under inactivity and i think i can do things like i see them in my mind. i'm running along a beach with a golden lab as the sun sets or i'm sea kayaking out to the horizon. really, i'm winded, sore and headache prone with a damaged back and knees. awesome. and like i said, i don't sit here and hate myself. although the self hatred comments have been more frequent. not all fat people are trying to be funny to cover up insecurity. i'm not trying to be funny and i'm not insecure. it's how i feel and i mean it, even if it does come out funny, it's ok, you can laugh. i laugh at myself all the time.

i'm going to the school gym at my university. it is a gorgeous gym, brand new and i pay for membership in my fees. today was good. it was "my first day". well, not really, i have darkened the door a few times but this is the first day of this change, this magical flip over where i will lose the weight and charge triumphantly into my new exciting life. but see, right there, there's already a problem. i will lose weight and my life will carry on in pretty much the same way it does now. you see, i have an exciting life, i am happy and content with the rhythms of this beautiful world. i resent when weight loss commercials promote this "new you" that emerges when you shed the poundage: i'm happier, i'm a better wife, a better lover, a better worker (hah!), and other various self defeating statements that promise that with weight loss, your real life begins and you will finally be the real you. i am the real me, just fatter now. i want to lose weight not my existence. i want to gain full use of my knees and back, not a new identity. i'm sorry if i don't loathe myself into self-fat shaming. i won't celebrate being over weight either. the reality is i've peaked. i've hit my limit of what my body will allow. i'm sore, i'm tired, i'm squeezing into my size 22's and i'm ready to move.

<3 Madame O